You’ve done everything right, downloaded the apps, tried the breathing exercises, journalled, meditated, gone to bed at the same time every night, googled every technique, saved every Instagram post about nervous system regulation, and told yourself to think more positively more times than you can count.
And the anxiety is still there.
That’s because coping with anxiety and overcoming anxiety are two fundamentally different things, and most of what we’re handed is the first one dressed up as the second.
Every time you do something to get rid of a feeling (because that is what people usually do when they say that “it helps them stay with anxiety”, your brain learns the feeling was a problem that needed fixing. So next time, it shows up louder.
The tool isn’t the problem, the job people give it usually is. Breathing, journalling or going on a walk because you value looking after yourself? Lovely. The same thing done so the anxiety stops? That can turn into a safety behaviour, and it keeps the loop going.
They are management tools. They may address the symptom, the activation, the spiral, the physical response without touching what’s generating it. And what generates anxiety doesn’t go away just because you’ve learned to manage its output more efficiently.
Think of it this way: if a tap in your kitchen was running constantly, you could get very good at mopping up the water. You could develop an excellent mopping technique, buy better mops, mop faster. And the floor would be less wet, but the tap would still be running.
Coping is the mop, it’s useful, but it’s not the fixed tap.
The most common ones sometimes don’t even feel like coping:
Constantly trying to “regulate your nervous system.” Making calm the entry requirement for living your life.
Reassurance. Asking, checking, googling, replaying. Relief for a few minutes, then the doubt comes back stronger and the relief gets shorter.
Avoidance. Cancelling, rearranging, finding a reason not to go. Relief now, a smaller life later.
Positive thinking. A motivational poster stuck on a smoke alarm. Cute but still beeping.
The response is normal, your brain is trying to protect you, so you basically have to show your brain through experience that it’s safe.
Ask one question. “Am I doing this to live, or to make the feeling stop?”
Bring the feeling with you. Do what’s important to you even when anxiety is there, you don’t need to feel ready first.
Drop one crutch at a time. Start small: one less check, one less “are you sure?”, one plan you don’t cancel.
The goal isn’t a calmer you, but a freer you.
Some anxiety is healthy, it’s your threat-detection system. The aim is for it to stop making your decisions and firing up every hour.
Approaches like ERP and ACT can help you learn how to build a healthy relationship with anxiety where you can respond to anxiety in a way that is aligned with your values, and you don’t have to find the next coping skill every time anxiety comes up. For other difficulties you experience alongside anxiety, an integrative approach might be useful.
If you’re still stuck, get in touch and let’s work together to help you get your life back.
Anxiety Therapist working with fear, and the life built around it
A 3-step free guide to understanding and interrupting repetitive patterns in your relationships, behaviour and emotional responses.
